Saturday, September 10, 2011

Confession about my true de-conversion story

I've been writing this site for a couple of years now, and I think it's time for me to come clean about the true reason why I became a non-believer.  I wrote about it before with this post, but I now confess that it wasn't true.

It's true that I was a Roman Catholic.  When I was a teenager, the boys in the congregation used to take turns going on outdoor sports excursions with the parish priest.  When my turn came up, we chose to go rock-climbing.  So the two of us drove to the site in his convertible and started to gear up.

We always did the outdoor activities naked.  The priest said that's how God truly intended for His children to be.  If He wanted us to wear clothes, He would have made us born in a 3-piece suit, the priest used to tell us.  So we stripped down and put on our climbing harnesses.

The site was a sheer rock face, about 30 metres high.  The priest suggested I start to go up first and he follow from below.  He said it was easier for him to keep an eye on things that way, but I never understood why he had to follow me so closely.  Anyway, that isn't relevant.

But then something went horribly wrong.  Part of the rock fell away, triggering a larger collapse, and we fell to the ground.  The priest was unresponsive and I suspected he was unconscious.  I tried to escape from under the fallen rocks, but my penis was caught under a large boulder.  I tried to lift it, but it was too heavy.

There I was for hours, caught with my penis under the rock.  I realised that nobody knew where we were, as the priest liked to keep the exact locations and activities a secret, for privacy reasons.  He could not help in his state, so if I didn't get myself free from these rocks, I thought we both might die out there.

Then I made the most difficult decision of my life.  I detached my pocket knife from my harness and started hacking away at my penis.  After a few slices, it came right off.  In pain, I ran back to the car and used my phone to call for help.  The ambulance showed up within an hour, taking the priest and I to the hospital, where we began to recover.  The doctors all said I did a very brave thing, hacking off my own penis to save my life and my priest.

My recovery was long and difficult.  I often turned to the Bible for a Ray of Comfort.  Then one day, I came across this passage, Deuteronomy 23, verse 1:

"If a man’s testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the Lord."

I was absolutely devastated!  Was not what I had done noble?  Was it not courageous?  Did I not save my own life and the life of a decent, holy man?  How could this be?  How could God not want me anymore? But the Bible is the inerrant Word of God, so I had to admit that I was no longer welcome into His Kingdom.  My priest had already been transferred by his superiors to another church somewhere else, so it wasn't like I had anything remaining there at all.  I left the congregation.

From that moment on, I have been a bitter atheist, fighting against God in any way I can.


ANTZILLA said...

I would have thought you'd get your penis back in heaven?

David McNerney said...

This moved me.

Anonymous said...

Antzilla, the penis could have made it to heaven if Admin would have immediately concocted a mix of

Pure Myrrh
Sweet Cinnamon
Sweet Calamus
Olive oil

He then should have anointed his severed penis before circumcising it with his Swiss army knife.

In those cases it is OK to anoint your balls too for good measure, but that doesn't guarantee they'll make it to ball heaven. NOTE: Laying of the hands is of no use without anointing oil. Ask your priest.

Such a brave story Admin, hope you'll come to understand why you failed and don't deserve eternal bliss among the rest of us who still have a complete set of genitalia.


Anonymous said...

Praise the lord! I have been converted by your history, or your story. From being a life-long atheist I am now a convinced convert to the truly truth. How could I not? Your story is miracle after miracle, a portent of lack of logic, and thus, full of miracles. First one, that you could use a climbing harness in puribus natura; second, that after the avalanche you and only you was not unconscious, third that the rest of the climbing party just vanished from your story without leaving the least trace; fourth, the huge size of your former penis, donkey or horse size, that allowed it to be held under a boulder all alone, without getting your pelvis crushed in the process; fifth, that you didn't enter in shock after that trauma; sixth, that you didn't bleed to death after your country style surgery and after the time it took the ambulance to arrive. Miracle after miracle. And you couldn't and can't recognize it, oh rebel to your lord. If you just had kept the faith surely would had happened another miracle, getting restored your penis and with bells and whistles.

Anonymous said...

I found the story hilarious in the first place, but I really couldn't breathe after reading the comments, it was that funny! And I had been so intrigued by a lot of your posts... what a shame that the loss of your penis ruined my appetite for your blog!

Did somebody hack your account and write that post?

Admin said...

I just needed a ridiculous story to go with a ridiculous Bible passage. :-)

Unknown said...

The story sounds so fake, but indeed hilarious. Anyway, mocking other people's faith is not really a nice thing to do, you know...

Admin said...

Everything is fake except for the Bible passage quoted within.

I'm not trying to be nice. I'm trying to be correct.

Feki said...

Well, I bet that god crushed your only penis for the salvation of other penises and that your penis most likely resu-erected on the third day after the incident, hence all the miraculous appearances at random places such as men's toilets.

That's of course in line with the catholic tradition of zombified corpses and does not mock their beliefs at all.

Uyi Iredia said...

You're joking, right ?

Anonymous said...

Please don't be a bitter Atheist fighting against god. Atheists don't believe in a god. You can still get your message out there as an atheist without been bitter.

Jim said...

"You can still get your message out there as an atheist."

Shows just how delusional religious people are. They assume everyone wants to spread what they consider to be beliefs.

I had some religious nut jobs actually knocking on my door this morning trying to spread their cult. I shut the door in their face, of course. But it begs the question: How many times has anyone had an atheist knock on their door with a pamphlet trying to spread word of the absence of gods?