Wednesday, April 11, 2012

"Celibate" kiddie-diddlers give sex advice for married couples

If you ever wanted advice about sexual relations with your spouse from men who dress up in funny robes, take a vow of celibacy, but end up fucking little boys in their care, check this out.

Everybody knows from the introduction that I'm referring to the Catholic Church, there was really no need to say so, even though I just did.  It's just mind-boggling, and I mean that in the most serious way, that not only would they think themselves qualified to give this advice, but that anybody would give a shit what they think!  Anyway, I present it to you for your own amusement.  Feel free to read it with your partner and break each rule as you go along.  You can make a game of it!

Some excerpts:

If a man has a vasectomy, does he need to reverse the procedure before having sex again?
If a man is truly sorry for having the operation and has gone to confession, he may have sex again without fear of committing a sin.

Is “pulling out” considered contraception?
Yes. When a man ejaculates, the life giving seed spews forth. If you keep this seed from following its natural course (by blocking it, spilling it, or chemically destroying it) you violate the natural use of sex. Pulling out is equivalent to using a condom.

Is oral sex considered a kind of contraception?
For a man, yes. Well, at least if he ejaculates. It would be the same thing as “pulling out.”

Is mutual masturbation a mortal sin?
Somewhat. If a man ejaculates, then this is very clearly a mortal sin, as he is spilling the seed. In spirit, the act of mutual masturbation eliminates the loving embrace God intended for man and woman. It puts oneself in the drivers seat, and degrades sex to a purely physical act. But sex is not a merely physical act of love. It is a supernatural act where man and woman embrace in body and soul.

Is it wrong for a woman to masturbate after the man ejaculates?
It is reasonable for a woman to expect pleasure from sex. In cases where a man will not spend the proper time and energy to physically fulfill a woman’s needs, it is permissible for her to do so herself.


David McNerney said...

So, you said that we could made a game of it.

So I assumed that the first example about vasectomy had been altered to make it into a joke.

How wrong was I? Religion truly is indistinguishable from a parody of itself.

Jim said...

This moron is correct, pulling out is technically contraception. But he should have shut his mouth for everything else he said.

I find it incredibly hard to believe that they believe in a god that made sex feel so good and so amazing, but decided that it was only for reproducing. What the fuck is the point of it feeling so great and being so much fun if it is only to be used for one thing?

It is like them arguing: "You shouldn't eat steak, because it tastes great. Humans should only stick to rice, water, and bitter vegetables. If it tastes good, it's a sin!"

I mean, what the fuck?

And why is it okay for a woman to masturbate and not a man?

Anonymous said...

Why is is okay for a woman to masturbate and not a man?

It's not. No way, not ever. Women who aren't taught that "crazy liberal" Catholicism (oh, Americans) are taught that sex is shameful and our bodies are dirty. A woman is to submit to her husband. Period. Anything else is a sin. Marriage is for creating children for the Church. Heck, my Biology teacher taught us that.

And you thought the other things he said took the fun out of sex.

I wish I was making this up.